There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
