The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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