if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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