just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
