On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
