Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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