I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
They have beer where we have blood.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
