i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Randomize
