mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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