Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
He kissed a someone with a penis
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
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