Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
