I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
