my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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