Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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