are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
