I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
