now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
