Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
