I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
