so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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