I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
what day is it and did you see me today?
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
two words...techno handjob
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
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