I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
