Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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