textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Randomize
