i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Dignity is for republicans.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
last night I used snow as a chaser
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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