he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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