plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
