Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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