Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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