I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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