remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
We left the knife in your bed.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
But we have bathrooms and they dont
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
