I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
