Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
look no pants
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
