Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
