apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
We need to rekindle our bromance
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Randomize
