so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
