k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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