This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
