So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
