She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
