The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
