Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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