either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
