eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
