You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
