apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
