Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
