seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
