Plan B is the new Plan A
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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