Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
